Beliefs

I don't know if you know this about me, but I am a very introspective person.  

From a very young age, I felt a compulsion to become the very best version of myself I could possibly be, but back then -- that was in the form of making my outside form "the very best."  


The outside was all I thought I had to offer. Smile. Be happy. Be physically attractive. Don't take up too much space. 

Who would want to know what is going on in between my ears? Who would want to know my goals, my confusions, my views on the world? 

I truly believed that indeed, no one would. And even more concerning, I did not have the awareness to uncover that this was the wrong way to go about it. 

Although my outside was shiny and "confident", right underneath the surface my beliefs surrounding my confidence were paper thin and any other-than-positive remark would make my house of cards crumble.

Beliefs are so deeply rooted and sneaky little f*ckers. 

I thought I had a "handle" on all of this old messaging; I've been in therapy for years. I have supportive friends. Some friends that are also in the entrepreneur scene with me, reflecting back to me the magnitude of my achievements when I need a belief checked (I like to visualize it actually getting checked into the plexi glass wall like in hockey). Take that suckaaaaa. 

But alas, the belief "tops" are trimmed and my realness, my truths -- are then so easily accessible. 

But then the roots are still there. And the bullsh*t old belief grows back to the surface. Again.

Here are the beliefs that have been uninvited guests my entire life, have eaten all my food, taken up all the toilet paper, and have over welcomed their stay during this pandemic. 

Belief:
I am horrible at what I do. People are just nice to me and say they "love" my work, but it's only because they don't want to hurt my feelings.

Belief:
I have "never been successful." Because I did not take the set path for me, because I chose artistry, because I went against traditional stability, because I am still figuring this "entrepreneur thing" out...6 years later. 

At one point in the pandemic I was crying to Easton that with the uncertainty of money coming in from my business or through unemployment, I may have to close my doors. 

So, clearly that was upsetting.

Then the NEXT freaking second I say "but if the business does survive what's the point because I am not even good at it." Tears, tears, tears. Maybe even crying on the floor. 

In my logical mind, do I truly think this? HELL NO.

But beliefs, whew. They suck so hard. And there is nothing like a pandemic to bring it out of you.

The amount of mind jumbles I have had to navigate through this have been far too many to count, and I know that you too, have had your own bullsh*t beliefs arise during this time.

I feel you. I really do. 

If this resonates with you, shoot me a reply. I'd love to talk sh*t about our beliefs that totally aren't true. Check them with my elbow into the plexi glass in solidarity! 

Hang in there if your beliefs are hogging up too much of the main stage in your brain. Some days, me too.

Forever more important, until it sticks, #blacklivesmatter.

xo,

Emily