I realized I listen better now...

Hey family,


I hope this message finds you well. As I write this, it is Monday morning, and I mainly know that it is Monday because my girlfriend follows a Monday through Friday schedule. But that's not true, over these last few weeks of quarantine I have done a pretty great job of creating some structure for myself. But that didn't happen right away.

The first week quarantined it was a big lackadaisical blur. At that time we (my girlfriend and I) were staying at my tiny, tiny, tiny 450 sq ft studio apartment. We lasted all of 4 days before we were about to start throwing things from being in such a confined space. It was the moment of "I love you but you're driving me INSANE." 

And at this time I was thinking it was just going to be the 14 days of isolation to flatten the curve. So we brought over enough supplies from my place (+ my cat) to my girlfriends' much more spacious 1350 sq foot apartment. 

We have since created little "work" areas in the dining room and we are doing our best to have our morning walks, meals throughout the day, a workout at some point and creating as much "real life" structure as possible. 

BUT, I must say this is the first time in my life I am much more willing to *listen* to what I actually need. And when I actually need rest, I do just that. Rest. For some, this is such a "duh" concept. When you're tired, rest. When you're rested and motivated, work. But this idea of following what feels good is such a foreign concept for so many of us. And the result of that has been me pushing through exhaustion, lack of inspiration, committing to jobs that sounded horrible but paid, the list goes on and on. 

All I can do is speak for myself but any time I pushed through like in the examples above, it was 99.9% of the time from scarcity. "If I don't consistently post things on my instagram then I won't look legitimate/I'll lose followers/I'll lose business." "If I don't say yes to this job then I will never be asked again and this one job might be the difference between making bills or being broke this month." "If I don't stay in this work environment will I find anything else better? What if every job I find is less pay in an even WORSE environment?" 

These were the thoughts I was having. And it was always keeping me stuck. In the same place and vibration. Causing me to keep my rates low and below my worth. Rationalizing relationships that were one sided and left me spent. Saying yes to jobs and clients that were not in alignment. And any time I said "yes" and gave in to the bull shit scarcity coming up, the client was not the best fit for me and my style, or I had to sacrifice my end product or cut corners somewhere in the process. 

I am so thankful that I have honed in my listening skills and this is something that I'll be taking out of quarantine with me. Sure, when I am back "working" I won't be able to just take a stretch + Mario Kart break. BUT, I can go take a walk, sit and meditate, call a friend and then come back. And if I come back and it still feels like a big ball of bleh, I'll take that as a sign that it wasn't meant for the agenda that day, and to continue to the next option asking myself "what feels good to me?" 

I hope you all are keeping yourselves and your loved ones safe and healthy. Take all the naps, drink all the water, and if you need a fun little break, I highly recommend a game of Mario Kart or an episode of Tiger King. F*ckin' Carol Baskin! (Those who know, KNOW).  


xoxo,
Emily Mercer